New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
