oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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