glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
