he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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