Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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