I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
