I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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