I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
