I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
