if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize