Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
