If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
