I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
