I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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