i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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