At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
