hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
