Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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