and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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