I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Houston, we have a blender
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
