i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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