Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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