i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
