i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
