I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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