worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
