and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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