he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
