i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
