So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
