Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize