Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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