Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
