She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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