Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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