Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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