I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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