You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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