just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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