Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
