drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
