I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
