Umm I'm too high to move.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
