No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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