Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
