I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize