i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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