my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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