I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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