i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
