While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
