oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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