i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
