Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize