Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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