She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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