i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
