The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize