Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
