He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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